Doc's Jokes and Puns For Fun

About 20 –30 of my puns and jokes have been published over the years, in the Atlanta Journal and Constitution (PeachBuzz), in The Wall Street Journal and in Reader’s Digest. I even had an original Atlanta Braves baseball joke on television once!
 
I can’t guarantee that a few of these that I thought of have not been published elsewhere, but each one is something I thought of on my own.
 
 
 
Enjoy...or groan!
 
 
 
 
Country Song Titles:
 
"When She Left Me, I Missed Her...But I'm Not That Good Of A Shot!"
 
“When She Bit Off My Tongue, She Took The Words Right Out Of My Mouth!”
 
“I Asked For Her Hand, But She Gave Me The Finger Instead!”
 
“I’m Gonna Quit This Nine-To-Five And Start Shoppin’ At the Five and Dime.”
 
“We Were Gonna Get Hitched, But She Left Me At The Altercation!”
 
“It Was A Trip When I Fell For You.”
 
“If You Don’t Mind Livin’ It Up, I Don’t Mind Livin’ It Down!”
 
“I’m Rockin’ In Those Rollin’ Hills Of Georgia!”
 
Bumper Stickers and Sayings
 
“Confucius Say: Be as Donut not AS HOLE”
 
“You Reap What You Sow” -- Just Another Way Of Saying “What You SEED Is What You Get!”
 
“What Part Of NOSY Don’t I Understand Yet?”
 
"BUY A HOUSE – And You Can Take That To The Bank...ruptcy!
 
 
 
Books With Perfect Subtitles:
 
My Son The Admiral – Bringing Up The Rear
 
Probate – Where There’s A Will, There’s A Wait!
 
Rip Van Winkle – The Rest Is History
 
Soldiering On – My Life As A Wartime Prostitute
 
Psychiatric Treatment For Fat People – The Stomach Shrinks
 
 
 
Perfect Names For Perfect People:
 
 
Department Store Clerk – Mark Downs
 
100-Year Old Woman – Aunt Minnie Moore
 
Convict – Gil T. Mann
 
Sheriff who knows karate – Marshal Artz
 
Very wealthy couple – Kit and Kay Bootle
 
Tough woman - Phillis Stein (philistine)
 
 
 
 
Bad Jokes:
 
 
My dad’s brother had bad acne and worked on old car engines. We called him “Carb Uncle.”
 
A pig, a cow and a chicken walk into a BAR…BE-QUE.
 
A high, a low and a steady pressure walk into a BAR…OMETER.
 
A Tylenol, an Advil and an aspirin walk into a bar. The Tylenol says to the other two, “You know, I never get a hangover either.”
 
People sure do drive fast these days. I was on the highway the other day and people were passing me like I was standing still. Of course, I was hitchhiking.
 
I’ve only had two glasses of wine since Nine – Eleven…What time is it now, about Nine-Twenty?
 
People don’t remember that King Tut in Egypt was followed by a very prudish king – King Tut-tut-tut.
 
I was driving down the road when I heard on the radio that ”U Conn” had a great basketball team. I thought, Man, I didn’t know Eskimos even grew that tall!
 
I got a brochure the other day for a conference up in Boston. The title was “The Universe Is Infinite.” Right below that it said “Space Is Limited.” I thought, Huh??
 
I bought a china cabinet the other day. On the back it said, “Made In China.” I thought, “Duh!”
 
I can’t quite remember. What’s that old saying? Old soldiers never die, they just Faye Dunaway.
 
At work my boss has developed a Hand’s Off management style – after the second assault charge.
 
The four-minute mile. Duh, that’s soooo five-minutes ago, Dude.
 
Some people were protesting the other day by sitting in front of a building. They wouldn’t move. The police had to call out the SQUAT Team.
 
Some bosses are very egotistical. Like they say, “His Ship Don’t Sink!”
 
What do the Erie, Panama and Suez Canals have in common with an orthodontist? They are all “route” canals!
 
I feel ten feet tall and bully proof! Yeah, I feel ten feet crawl and eighty proof!
 
Some people get new puppies. I like to get new books. And I like the best. You know, the pick of the literature!
 
Judicial malfeasance:  Odor in the court!
 
I lost my health insurance the other day. I started singing “You Picked A Fine Time To Leave Me BlueShield.”
 
My hairstylist is very polite. He’s the very Barber of Civility!
 
And my occupational therapist is an idealist. His name is Don Key, O. T.
 
Hey. What would have been the Venus de Milo’s battle cry? “Two arms! Two arms!”
 
I had to go out to the Laundromat the other day. I was pretty upset when I saw a sign that said “Whites Only"…until I realized it was above a washing machine.
 
I’m no good at card games. I always lose. It’s like rearranging the deck on the Titanic.
 
Another buddy of mine likes to talk a lot. He also sells jeans down at Sears. I say he’s got the gift of the gabardine!
 
A friend of mine said to me “My whole life’s going to end next week.” I said, “Really? That sounds terrible. Why?” He said, “I’m going with term insurance.”
 
After I gave a speech once, a friend said, “You’re a hard act to follow.” I said, “You mean I’m that good?!” He said, “No. I didn’t understand what the hell you were talking about!”
 
I asked my wife how she felt about going up in a small plane. She said, “I don’t want to go up in any four-legged plane!” She think she meant four-seater, but I got the point! True story.
 
Also, my wife once asked me what was that sparkling water they serve Americans in Mexico. I said, What in the world are you talking about? She said, I don’t know, it’s something like San Pellagringo or something. Duh!
 
I went down to Florida once and looked up some of their Indian tribes. It was a Seminole event in my life.
 
Absolutely true: I once had an patient ask me if insurance would paid for “cosmic surgery.” He meant cosmetic surgery, I’m sure, but I just said, No, they don’t, and let it go with that.
 
That reminds me of another absolutely true story. I mean, you can’t make this stuff up. A guy came into my ER one evening saying he had hurt his knee. That would have been fine but he couldn’t help trotting out some of his supposed medical knowledge by saying he had injured his Panatela! (Close, but no cigar!)
 
Some kids love basketball. As they get older, they get better. I’d say they’re growing by leaps and rebounds!
 
What do you call an Italian opera tenor who is lost on a desert island? Robinson Caruso!
 
What was the sorority whose stern-wheel steamboat turned over while on the lower Mississippi River? Delta Kappa Psi’s. Get it?? Delta cap-a-size!!
 
Say what you want, but I swear it happened. Again, I didn’t respond except with a nod of the head. But, man-oh-man, I sure wanted to. A patient came in and told me he had hurt his knee in the past. I asked him what happened and he said, “I tore my ACLU.” I mean, you can’t make this stuff up!
 
Sure China has a repressive regime, but it’s not as bad as it’s cracked down to be!
 
I’m Happily Married – I’m A One-Band Man!
 
Suicide: Enter At Your Own Wrist
 
Hey, if you wrote a song about unsung heroes, would they still exist??